How to End Your Marriage in 3 Easy Steps

Please note this is a satire piece and may not be for everyone!

As a counselor, I have witnessed the heartbreak and havoc relationships can cause in people’s lives. There are times when relationships do need to end.
This is a light-hearted perspective on the foibles of marriage. Exaggerations of what people sometimes do to each other. And let me be the first one to raise her hand and admit: I am a culprit. I have ignored, avoided, and nagged. I’ve been there and done that. So with that said…

Ending a relationship may not seem like an easy task. But let me tell you it is easier than you think. This three-step guide will help those who have yet to start the process and well as those who have already started.

So, let’s start with # 1.

1. The Chastity Belt

Creating a “No Sex Zone” takes a little forethought. First tackle the bedroom environment. Your goal is to make the bedroom a place of stress not sex: dirty dishes, piles of clean and dirty laundry, loose papers strewn throughout the room…if possible move as much as you can from your home office into your bedroom.

Okay, now that the no sex mood is set, time to tackle your appearance. Lingerie, thongs, sleeping in the buff is all banned. Nighties should resemble something your grandma would wear, preferable flannel and floor length. Instead of perfume, rub a little Vick’s Vapor rub on your neck. In a pinch crushes garlic works well. Outside of the bedroom when you are spending time together, try to look as disheveled as possible so as not to give him any ideas. Remember men are visual creatures. Your goal is to be a visual deterrent.

In addition to the above you are going to need excuses: headaches, feeling sick, too tired, PMS, are all wonderful options. You might also want to consider “adding days” to your menstrual cycle. If needed, be on your period for 10 to 15 days, followed by a week of PMS symptoms…. this should only leave room for 3 to 5 potential sex days.

2. The Drippy Faucet

The first key to becoming a drippy faucet to never, ever compliment your partner. Only and I repeat only comment on what he does wrong. Such as, folding the laundry incorrectly, forgetting to feed the children vegetables with dinner, not cleaning-up after himself or the children, leaving the toilet seat up. What ever you find irritating about him communicate habitually using your mom voice.

Second, provide lists, lots of lists, both written and verbal. Give priority to verbal lists because they are easily forgotten, which gives you two opportunities to communicate dissatisfaction 1. The job was not done. 2. He never listens to you.

Nag, Nag, whine, complain, nag, nag, whine, complain. Repeat frequently, at least 20 times a day, dividing between daytime and nighttime hours. If you have time throw in an extra nag session right before bed. Nagging before bed also discourages sex. Two birds, one stone, you get the idea.

3. The Social Outcast

For this you are going to need a phone and a computer. Make sure to always have your phone or computer within arms reach. The moment he enters the room or begins conversing this is your cue to start scrolling through your social media pages. Do not acknowledge his presence. Occasional verbal “Hello’s” are okay. But try to keep them to a minimum. If you need to communicate with him it is best to utilize texting. Keep your comments short and to the point. Avoid emoticons or language that communicates affection.

When at social events make an effort to spend the majority of your time talking with other people. If possible don’t sit next to him at the table. If you do happen to have some alone time together, think of this as a great opportunity to start texting your friends or answering emails. Even on dates, check your phone frequently and text accordingly. Eye contact is shown to build intimacy and connection in a relationship. So, in addition to limiting communication, make a concerted effort to avoid eye contact as well. Your goal is to ensure he does not feel welcome into your inner circle of friendship.

I wish you all the best in your relationship journey. Just like growing a healthy intimate relationship with your partner takes hard work and perseverance, it will take an enormous amount of determination to end it. Keep at it and you will get there.

Or try the opposite and see what happens? You may find the results quite pleasing.